River -Poem-

This poem I actually wrote. . . sometime last year. Yes, I was feeling down when I wrote it and I had turned it in for a peer assessment. I know suicide is a serious thing, however I have written so much worse than this poem and turned it into the same teacher before. I've even read some gloomy stuff of mine to my class. My teacher turned this into the school office and so I was called down to talk to someone. I had to apologize because I was giggling when she asked me. There's too many people who love me deeply--even if I ever wanted to (and I have in the distant past) I could not, would not because my fear of being selfish and hurting other people literally collides, gets in the way. So, I was very thankful they checked on me, but I was so amused because it's me. (Also, I've had quite a bit of experience with the pain of suicide, so please understand I'm not saying it's a light thing. I just felt like sharing because that actually was a great day for me--that someone actually cared enough to walk their crippled self to the office in order to make sure I was checked on.)

Anyways, very deep poem for me. Some of the students in my class thought it should be a song, but as much as I might sing I am not a musician. And so this is just a poem.

Normally I do not explain my poems for fear of people changing their meaning to my own, so I want to hear what YOUR thoughts on it are if you comment. 8C Not mine. Your's. Your interpretation is more important than mine. I'm just the artist here. READ UNDERSTANDING AT YOUR OWN RISK!

Basically, I was under a lot of stress at the time. This was also around the time where for whatever reason my body decided it was not going to allow me to sleep. At all. What-so-ever. I was unable to doze or daze off for two days and my eye-lids felt like they were going to burn off my face. Blinking was painful, but I was fine when my eyes were open. I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried.

My parents were fighting. I was failing my classes at the time. I actually had given up on trying, because I was legit doing better when I wasn't trying so hard. But the lack of trying made me feel guilty and my parents were trying to force me to start trying again when the MUSTBESOMEHOWPERFECT mentality I had going on was killing me. I actually ended up taking time to figure out who I was and what was wrong with me.

To make things more, I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself in the future. I felt stupid and insecure, and I was feeling selfish because there were people around me who needed my support but I was so broken up I couldn't figure out how to help them. And it feels selfish to have my own problems. To make matters worse, I realized that there was only one friend I knew in person who actually KNEW me and accepted BOTH sides of my personality. And my closest friend lives in Arizona and I was facing the issue that our plan to meet up that/this summer was not going to work.

And so I was not writing necessarily about dying. I was begging for relief. Kind of an emotional/spiritual combo as most of my stuff is for me.

Poem (c) me.

You can now check this out on: www.writerscafe.org/Dindella/w…